Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
