I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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