I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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