Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
