I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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