I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
