you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
