Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
