No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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