I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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