Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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