Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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