So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
