I didn't shave. On purpose
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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