do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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