You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
