I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
