My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
