Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
