...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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