somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
