Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
