what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
