I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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