He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your penis caused this!
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