While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
