My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
