She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
