My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
