our cab driver is having phone sex.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
