Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
