he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
