There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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