It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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