i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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