I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
