I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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