Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
please come you make the beer taste better
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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