Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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