Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
