So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
