That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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