i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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