dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
