Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
