i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
