I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
