I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
