I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
