mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
