Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
