do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
