btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
