So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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