I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
